My Prince was not even near… Part I

Thousands of needless tears,

Produced by careless cheers,

Assuming that Boaz is finally here,

When the arrival of her prince

is not even near…

~Lizem

So, in my mid-twenties I was sure my waiting period for a life partner had been fulfilled. I prayed a lot about our relationship, and I was sure he was the one for me. He used to tell me that I was his soulmate. We talked about our future, and one day he called and asked me if I wanted a formal or an informal proposal. I said I wanted a formal proposal, to which he replied, “One formal proposal coming right up” … and waited for it to come… any day now … any day now … it’s coming, it’s taking longer than I thought, but that proposal is coming any day now … or so I thought…

And so, I put my life on hold, keeping the status quo while waiting for the proposal. I did not want to do anything that would create an imbalance in the relationship status. I heard in the grapevine that it was not a good thing for a girl to be more successful than her guy, so I purposed to stay below his radar. I prayed that I would not get a promotion at work. I lived in a bed sitter-perfect-and even though I really wanted a bigger place, I didn’t move. I really wanted to do my master’s degree and I picked application forms for the course I wanted to do – a 2-year course. However, I didn’t fill the forms and of cause did not submit them. I did not have a car-perfect-and I kept it that way. And so, I waited … and waited. Days into weeks into months, and two years passed. I would have spent my time wisely and completed my master’s degree in that waiting period, but I was waiting for my proposal, and so I just lived-day by day-waiting. There was no proposal. It never came.

The relationship ended and he moved on. In fact, he never broke up with me, he just went silent and disappeared out of my life. Now I know it’s called ‘ghosting’. To say I was broken-hearted is an understatement. I cried and cried and cried some more. The pain was horrendous! My heart was broken into smithereens – even God couldn’t put the pieces back together again because he wouldn’t recognize a single piece – well at least from my perspective, that’s how I felt. I felt like humpty-dumpty, only I hadn’t sat on a wall-I had dared to love. And, like humpty, I had a great fall and all the Kings horses [read: angles] couldn’t put me back together again! Did he know how I waited for him? Did he know how I put my life on hold for him? Well, of course he had no idea about any of this, he never knew I put my life on hold for him or that I waited in limbo for his proposal because I never talked about it.

After months of crying, I finally got up, dried my tears and realized that life had to go on. I gave my broken heart to God, and not only did he put it back together again, but he pumped life and love into it and I was ready to love again. I was thankful that I had learned this lesson when I had very little at stake. I had a meeting with myself and reminded myself that I was young and I would bounce back. I made resolutions that I was going to make the most out of my life, and was never going to put my life on hold again waiting for a date, a proposal, an appointment, or any uncertain prospect to determine the course of my life. I would live my life the best way I knew how, and for as long as God gave me breathe. I would get the big car, that masters’ degree [I got two, by the way], the big house, the sky was the limit! And I was going to have a great time-proposal or not. I was going to make the most out of my singlehood, and when the proposal finally came-and it would come [right?]-a different guy of course, we would map a way forward from where we both were at.

Looking back, I now know that it is a great thing I couldn’t see into the future, because despite my energy and zeal making that resolution, if I had known I would go through my thirties, and my forties as a single girl, I would not have woken up the next morning. I never imagined – in my wildest dreams [or nightmares-whichever way you look at it] – that I would go through my thirties [and my forties] as a single girl! On the other hand, I am glad I made that resolution because I would otherwise have been very miserable as years passed and I was still single [and waiting]. God handed me a lifeline out of that crisis – and I am so glad I took it, because even though I was expectant about getting married at some point, life carried on. I did what my hands found to do and made the most out of every situation.

Today I celebrate single-hood. I am 53 years old. Single. Christian. Never married. No kids. I have had such an adventure, lived, loved and laughed a lot. I have traveled wide for work and vacation. The best part of being single this long has been being able to walk with younger girls in their late teens and twenties who think that their lives will end if they don’t find love, soon! I have been able to show them that they are OK and there is a lot more to life than finding love. I am a living example. It has been my joy seeing some of them find love eventually and settle down. Also, I have been available to family and friends in times of need, something I might not have been able to do to the extent that I have done if I were married. That said, there have been some difficult moments when I just want to love and be loved so bad. But the moments pass and I pick myself up and carry on. The Lord knows best why I am still waiting, and I still believe the love will come-I am just not holding my breath or losing sleep in the meantime.

Come along with me as I share a series of posts looking back on my journey to be found [read: find love].. Read Part II here.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. [Habakkuk 3:17-19 NIV]