My Prince was not even near… Part II

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life:

it goes on. ~Robert Frost.

If you haven’t read Part I of this series, please go here first.

Shortly after turning thirty, I started keeping an e-journal about my emotional struggles.  I found it hard talking about emotional stuff for as long as I had not resolved it in my mind.  So, I wrote… until I was able to talk about it with my family and/or friends.  Towards the end of last year, I was going through “My Documents” folder looking for an old file that I knew I had.  I came across my e-journal, and for old times’ sake, decided to open it and went to the first letters in the journal and started reading. 

I remember it was a very emotional time for me back then and reading it – 20 years later-was hilarious!  I laughed about the stresses I was facing back then.  I laughed out loud, literally, at the young girl who thought her life would fall into pieces if she didn’t get that proposal from her guy that she so liked but couldn’t talk about. I’ll call him Charming, because he really was charming.  I could literally feel my pain back then as I read the letters, and yet now I laughed! Now, the ending notwithstanding, I smiled when I remembered Charming because we made some good memories together.  I realized that despite the emotional turmoil, stresses and love not working out the way I thought it would, life had gone on. And I had more than survived the trauma!  I am wiser [I sure hope so] and in a much better space now than I was back then.  My status has not changed, I am still single, with no one in sight that I care to talk about, but I have learnt that no matter what [does not] happens, life does go on and things [situations] pass.   It never is that serious. 

The years have been kind to me, and I have lived a fantastic life in general.  Even though I have gone through emotional struggles, more broken hearts, incredible highs, life changing moments, loads of fun… I am OK.  I did not always see it this way.   And it made me realize that there are many girls today who might be in that space I was back then, who think their life would come to an end if they did not get that date, that proposal, that promotion, that invitation to the “in-crowd’s” dinner, or whatever it is that we are dying to have.  And I thought I would write about my life in the last twenty something years: my struggles, my joys, my pain, my triumphs as an encouragement to the younger ladies. It will be OK, no matter what you may be going through now, it will be OK.  I am OK, and I can now laugh about the struggles and pain I had back then because I survived them.  God took me through it all.  I learnt to trust in Jesus, and to take each day as it came: celebrate the triumphs, mourn the bad days, note the lessons and move on, because none of these days last.  They pass. 

So, I got over Charming’s exit from my life and I dared to love again. Along the way I reconnected with “Crossroads”, an old friend from school days. Crossroads and I hit it off so well and we could talk for hours on end. Sadly, he lost his job shortly after we started dating and that changed the trajectory of our lives. He’d say that I was the one he was going to marry, he just needed to get his life together [read: get financially stable]. He explained that he was at a crossroad and couldn’t move forward until he got a steady source of income. There were many things I wanted us to do but we couldn’t because he was at a crossroad, he’d say. I got so tired of hearing that word!  We couldn’t move forward because – ‘crossroads’; we couldn’t meet regularly because ‘crossroads’; it drove me crazy! He said he needed to earn enough to take care of the both of us, to which I explained to him that I had a regular income that would take care of us until his plans came through. He said I was being disrespectful, to which I responded that respect had nothing to do with anything. He kept moving the goal post of what he needed to achieve first while he was at crossroads that I kept asking when it would be enough. He responded that I was being disrespectful. I didn’t get it. Remembering my journey with Charming, I didn’t want to wait around anymore, and I didn’t think I’d survive another heartbreak. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and it happened that he felt the same. I remember we mutually agreed that we loved each other, but we just couldn’t move forward together.

My heart still broke because I had grown so fond of him. I wasn’t crushed because it was mutual, but it wasn’t easy losing him either. Shortly afterwards I was catching up with my friend, Pastor, who had been privy to my on-again-off-again relationship with Crossroads. He asked what we disagreed on and said that those were fundamental issues that unless we agreed, would become problems later in our lives. He reckoned that we had a personality conflict that would’ve taken one of us to totally cross to the other side, which he said wasn’t wise because the Crosser would end up being resentful of giving [up] too much. He advised me to read books on relationships. Six months later while talking with him on a different topic he asked if I had bought the said books. I realized he was serious and decided to buy some. That’s how my Amazon account was birthed. I bought the top 5 books on my search and read them. I learnt a lot but what jumped out most at me was how much men value respect! I was surprised!!! I looked back at our conversations and saw how I might have seemed disrespectful to Crossroads. I sent him an email of apology, explaining what I was learning and that I hadn’t intended to be disrespectful, I didn’t even know respect was a thing. He used to tell me that I didn’t understand him and in the email I agreed that I truly didn’t understand him, seeing what I was learning. He responded, accepted my apology and said that looking back, he could have done better by me. He apologized for his [in]action towards me. I was glad we finally ended our journey amicably.  Among other things, the importance of respect is one thing I now teach my young friends about.

I learnt so much and shared a lot with one of my pastors at church that he recommended that I join the marriage enrichment group as a teacher. I was too shy to do so, explaining that I wasn’t married, I couldn’t possibly be of use. I remember him saying that male gynecologists did great jobs despite not experiencing pregnancy or childbirth.  Still, I was too shy to take it up. Instead, I shared what I knew and was learning with friends in my circles of association. I remember one of my young friends calling to thank me for her engagement. I had walked with her and advised her to do things differently, thankfully she listened. And got engaged, now married with two children :). Such cases warm my heart, and I am always thankful to God that my journey has been a blessing to those around me. And this is why I now share my story on a bigger platform praying that someone out there might learn from it…

Read Part III here.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Psalm 27:13 [NKJV]